autumn breeze

change feels better than I have ever know. in a sense, there are no wrong turns. one only learns more with the challenges and changes in their life. I feel so happy to be back in the classroom full time. It expands my mind and my soul and I adore it. I also really dig my job which is the first for me (I think being there part time has a lot to do with it..) But I am continuing to learn what works for me and what does not and feel so hopeful.

this autumn feels so full – of hope, adventure, promise. I think this is going to be a very good year for me, wherever it may take me. I am ready for the adventure.

blessed

there are a lot of realizations I am making now that I would never have been able to see earlier…I feel better, look better and am in a better place than I was three months ago. The adjustment process has been hard, but I have been lucky enough to have the love and support of my family and friends to get me through it. My reality seems closer each day and in my heart I know I have done a courageous, life changing thing. Leaving Brad and NY was hard, but so many doors of my life have opened in return. Life is truly good.

on and on

this is a much slower process than i ever imagined. am in my new place, an adorable farmhouse which i am going to share with my roommate kate who moves in in july and who is coming over tonight for dinner. i know i have done quite a bit thus far, but...this is tough. i am realizing how much i miss companionship, how much i want to share my life with someone, yet i know i am not emotionally in a place where i could do that in a healthy way; thus, i am just trying to make friends and have fun. go to the gym, be healthy, surround myself with family and good friends and be gentle with myself. the summer soltice is around the corner and with that, a new season, a time to let my skin shine in the sun and a time to be glad with life, with self and with this beautiful journey we all are on.

the nature of things

back in the home state. it is spring, it is sunny, skies are blue…all is well…for the most part. i am realizing it is a matter of taking very, very small steps for me to get through this. sure i am thrilled to be going back to school, excited to be living in an environment a bit more suitable for me, glad for a variety of things. but oh, how i miss him so… it was never as if things were really horrible between us. there was a lot of growing up to do on both sides, but we did make each other happy and we did (and do) love each other. there is still a lot i cannot do for fear of turning into a weaping mess: no slow, sad music is allowed near me, i cannot journal for too long as emotions run deep and then i am deep in trouble…i cannot (or at least try not to) think about him before i go to bed. there are incredible ebbs and flows. yesterday was awful, today i feel so much better and who knows what tomorrow will bring. i am just trying to be patient and kind with myself and do what makes me feel good which requires me to be gentle and less judgmental of me and of others. ah, life…what a picnic.

swimming through it

today I wish my life was so extraordinary that people actually wanted to read my blogs and see the fabulous things that I was doing! instead…I have two blog followers and am content with that. I think consistency is really key at this juncture. since so much else is moving and changing form, I need to offer myself a consistent self, a self that is healthy, makes no mistakes and embraces life…much like I am right now! I kid. One that is less judgmental and to take things as they are, needing not to change all there is. I felt I had to change so much the last year. I wanted to change brad to make him better. sometimes, many times, I feel I really did help Brad become a different person. he helped me, too, he just was much more subtle about it, never forcing, typically encouraging. sometimes I feel like I am about to embark on this magical journey with a gold path. I think I will look back at my time in NY and miss Brad miserably, but be joyful I am away from so much. I will take those twinkles in my past and place it where I have placed all the other wonderful gems that are composed in the form of my life. Leaving means so much in so many ways; I no longer have to pretend that I care about philanthropy and fundraising!! That fills my face with a wide grin of relief and happiness. I’ll be realistic and say leaving love is maybe the hardest, saddest experience I have ever gone through thus far, but through it all, I see an open widow and I am swimming through it.

breakup nonesense

there is a tense staleness in the air as i pack my boxes and pretend things are okay…but they are. i found a fab little house in Mansfield center that a big part of me feels Brad and i were suppose to live in, but since we aren’t, I will. cozy two-floor, all hard wood, close to campus, I am happy…and leave NY a week from today which is daunting to say the least. I feel there are suppose to be people and places I say goodbye to, but sometimes goodbye is far too hard. instead brad and I make our own memories daily in an attempt to forget the past. I do love my new place, but I know what I am leaving is not easily replaceable, if it ever is. I do not want to pretend that what I have may be something I cannot repeat.

Liberation...

...feels like heaven. After a holiday weekend with the family, I returned to the fabulous state of NY in an attempt to organize myself and my life before my move. Things are...not working out perfectly, but what is perfect is my appreciate for life and self. This, I believe, is what not working teaches you...to love all there is around you. Spring in Ithaca is breathtaking...and when you have an actual moment to witness its transcendence, it is an surreal thing. Years have passed me since I have been able to witness any of this, and seeing this beauty now, especially with what is going on with me, it a brilliant display of expression, on so many levels. I adore this moment and all that it means.

Winds of Change

Sometimes, often times, we do not understand why things happen the way they do. After a brilliant, beautiful sunny Saturday with skies an optimistic blue, Sunday was cold and blustering, almost angry. As I did my weekend errands, wind whipped around, above and almost through me, a product of a winter that does not want to leave. Chilled and irritated, I felt the change. While not gone yet, winter is making an exit, just as I am making an exit on this part of my life. While uncertainty may loom for a moment or two, I am ultimately so sure, maybe more certain that any other move in my life, that this is the right thing for me. Previous moves to Cape Cod and San Francisco offered a freedom and an adventure. I knew they would not last a lifetime. Moving to NY was beautiful in that it was for love, but sad since this area was never meant for me. Thus, returning to my CT fills me with a happiness that almost seems strange to me. How can I be so happy at this time in my life? Sure, there is an underlying feeling of anxiety, but overall, this is right. This is my time for me, my time to re-explore who I am and what I am about and to learn from me. The opportunities that are before me are tremendous and I love them all. While one love was taken from me, in its place is a stronger self love.

Freedom

A sigh of relief, a sigh a freedom. A time of new beginnings. After three horrid days of waiting to hear, I found out that I got laid off two Wednesdays ago. This liberation is unreal. I feel everything I want in my life is finally tangible. I have visions of myself in a white bikini on the shores of Rhode Island this summer…visions of a happy, creative, free Katie spinning and dancing in new circles, new people, new, new, new.

I do not regret any of my past, although I certainly do question it. One simple decision could have changed so much…but here I am about to take on a new journey once more…and it is utterly thrilling. I think of blueberry picking with my nephews in the summer – something that would have been quite difficult with me living six hours away. I think of once again being a full time student, my head swirling with thoughts, ideas, theories…I think of being true and honest to me and being who I want to be for me, not anyone else.

I do not know why this breakup has made me so happy, but it has. Because of that, I cannot really feel horribly sad – certainly there are moments of sadness, but more often there are moments of realization and clarity.

an eve of uncertainty...

Oh California...not that I would move back to SF, but with the incredible levels of stress I am experiencing, I think surfers and vodka sounds really, really appealing right now. AS IF breaking up with your fiance is not stressful enough, now layoffs at my job? still, i believe we are never given more than we can handle. so, as i sit and enjoy my nightly glass(es) of wine and cheese (my favorite dinner for one...) i contemplate what my future holds...certainly i will go on to learn more, grow more and become even more fabulous. still, a sense of uncertainty creeps within. but what would life be without these moments? isn't this when we learn the most? i know i will go on, i know i will succeed, i know i will be happy. i need to look deep inside and find the sparks that truly make me happy and hold onto them as i move forward.

Keeps Getting Better...

each day, i really do feel better. i am really focusing on my future and making steps to go forward. yet, it is hard to truly go forward when i am surrounded by a home and a place that is deeply immersed in memories. i am excited to move back to connecticut, especially now since i have several friends who are there, too. i am excited to go back to school. i am excited to be working on myself. i think i become slightly less psycho each day (although i could be wrong...) and now i just look forward to doing things for myself, by myself, as lonely as that may sound, it is real and that is good.

The Breakup

i was originally going to name this blog 'the breakup blog' but i thought that would be depressing, so instead, i will just entitle today's blog 'the breakup'. since i broke up with my fiance, i think i have lost about 10 lbs, have drank about 4 bottles of wine and have absolutely no appetite. i love it. it is a transition for sure...i do not really feel lonely, instead i feel that i am searching for the better me, which is kind of a bitch because it is uncomfortable and somewhat awkward at times, but all for the good. i suppose when relationships end, that is the time for true retrospective...i think about how quickly things moved...we barely knew each other when i willingly moved from boston to his podunk town...and it changed my life. not in the best of ways, either. i was astonished to find that some people are content with so little and have no aspirations to challenge or better themselves. i was living in a town of people like that. it felt as if everyone walked out of some bad 80s movie since their attire and hair were straight from the 80s...some warped time zone. looking back, i do feel bad for this pathetic town, but i cannot say i am better for living there.

my ex and i were different from the start - he was raised in this pathetic town and was never encouraged to be his best. his family...i will have to write about them at a later time...was never supportive or loving. but he did have a sense of himself i found to be unique and quite lovable and we ended up sharing three and a half years of our lives together. i do not regret any of it, i only regret not meeting my own standards in that i should have been treated better...

since this is relatively new, and i am still getting use to living alone again, i cannot see a whole lot of change in me yet, other than the fact that i think i look fantastic and every man in the past two weeks that i entered a building/store/restaurant with has opened the door for me and smiled at me. i am not ready to date yet, dating would be silly because i am clearly not over the ex. instead i want to focus on my brilliant self and give me the time and space i need to create the things i desire to create.