the nature of things

back in the home state. it is spring, it is sunny, skies are blue…all is well…for the most part. i am realizing it is a matter of taking very, very small steps for me to get through this. sure i am thrilled to be going back to school, excited to be living in an environment a bit more suitable for me, glad for a variety of things. but oh, how i miss him so… it was never as if things were really horrible between us. there was a lot of growing up to do on both sides, but we did make each other happy and we did (and do) love each other. there is still a lot i cannot do for fear of turning into a weaping mess: no slow, sad music is allowed near me, i cannot journal for too long as emotions run deep and then i am deep in trouble…i cannot (or at least try not to) think about him before i go to bed. there are incredible ebbs and flows. yesterday was awful, today i feel so much better and who knows what tomorrow will bring. i am just trying to be patient and kind with myself and do what makes me feel good which requires me to be gentle and less judgmental of me and of others. ah, life…what a picnic.