Winds of Change

Sometimes, often times, we do not understand why things happen the way they do. After a brilliant, beautiful sunny Saturday with skies an optimistic blue, Sunday was cold and blustering, almost angry. As I did my weekend errands, wind whipped around, above and almost through me, a product of a winter that does not want to leave. Chilled and irritated, I felt the change. While not gone yet, winter is making an exit, just as I am making an exit on this part of my life. While uncertainty may loom for a moment or two, I am ultimately so sure, maybe more certain that any other move in my life, that this is the right thing for me. Previous moves to Cape Cod and San Francisco offered a freedom and an adventure. I knew they would not last a lifetime. Moving to NY was beautiful in that it was for love, but sad since this area was never meant for me. Thus, returning to my CT fills me with a happiness that almost seems strange to me. How can I be so happy at this time in my life? Sure, there is an underlying feeling of anxiety, but overall, this is right. This is my time for me, my time to re-explore who I am and what I am about and to learn from me. The opportunities that are before me are tremendous and I love them all. While one love was taken from me, in its place is a stronger self love.

Freedom

A sigh of relief, a sigh a freedom. A time of new beginnings. After three horrid days of waiting to hear, I found out that I got laid off two Wednesdays ago. This liberation is unreal. I feel everything I want in my life is finally tangible. I have visions of myself in a white bikini on the shores of Rhode Island this summer…visions of a happy, creative, free Katie spinning and dancing in new circles, new people, new, new, new.

I do not regret any of my past, although I certainly do question it. One simple decision could have changed so much…but here I am about to take on a new journey once more…and it is utterly thrilling. I think of blueberry picking with my nephews in the summer – something that would have been quite difficult with me living six hours away. I think of once again being a full time student, my head swirling with thoughts, ideas, theories…I think of being true and honest to me and being who I want to be for me, not anyone else.

I do not know why this breakup has made me so happy, but it has. Because of that, I cannot really feel horribly sad – certainly there are moments of sadness, but more often there are moments of realization and clarity.

an eve of uncertainty...

Oh California...not that I would move back to SF, but with the incredible levels of stress I am experiencing, I think surfers and vodka sounds really, really appealing right now. AS IF breaking up with your fiance is not stressful enough, now layoffs at my job? still, i believe we are never given more than we can handle. so, as i sit and enjoy my nightly glass(es) of wine and cheese (my favorite dinner for one...) i contemplate what my future holds...certainly i will go on to learn more, grow more and become even more fabulous. still, a sense of uncertainty creeps within. but what would life be without these moments? isn't this when we learn the most? i know i will go on, i know i will succeed, i know i will be happy. i need to look deep inside and find the sparks that truly make me happy and hold onto them as i move forward.

Keeps Getting Better...

each day, i really do feel better. i am really focusing on my future and making steps to go forward. yet, it is hard to truly go forward when i am surrounded by a home and a place that is deeply immersed in memories. i am excited to move back to connecticut, especially now since i have several friends who are there, too. i am excited to go back to school. i am excited to be working on myself. i think i become slightly less psycho each day (although i could be wrong...) and now i just look forward to doing things for myself, by myself, as lonely as that may sound, it is real and that is good.

The Breakup

i was originally going to name this blog 'the breakup blog' but i thought that would be depressing, so instead, i will just entitle today's blog 'the breakup'. since i broke up with my fiance, i think i have lost about 10 lbs, have drank about 4 bottles of wine and have absolutely no appetite. i love it. it is a transition for sure...i do not really feel lonely, instead i feel that i am searching for the better me, which is kind of a bitch because it is uncomfortable and somewhat awkward at times, but all for the good. i suppose when relationships end, that is the time for true retrospective...i think about how quickly things moved...we barely knew each other when i willingly moved from boston to his podunk town...and it changed my life. not in the best of ways, either. i was astonished to find that some people are content with so little and have no aspirations to challenge or better themselves. i was living in a town of people like that. it felt as if everyone walked out of some bad 80s movie since their attire and hair were straight from the 80s...some warped time zone. looking back, i do feel bad for this pathetic town, but i cannot say i am better for living there.

my ex and i were different from the start - he was raised in this pathetic town and was never encouraged to be his best. his family...i will have to write about them at a later time...was never supportive or loving. but he did have a sense of himself i found to be unique and quite lovable and we ended up sharing three and a half years of our lives together. i do not regret any of it, i only regret not meeting my own standards in that i should have been treated better...

since this is relatively new, and i am still getting use to living alone again, i cannot see a whole lot of change in me yet, other than the fact that i think i look fantastic and every man in the past two weeks that i entered a building/store/restaurant with has opened the door for me and smiled at me. i am not ready to date yet, dating would be silly because i am clearly not over the ex. instead i want to focus on my brilliant self and give me the time and space i need to create the things i desire to create.