the nature of things

back in the home state. it is spring, it is sunny, skies are blue…all is well…for the most part. i am realizing it is a matter of taking very, very small steps for me to get through this. sure i am thrilled to be going back to school, excited to be living in an environment a bit more suitable for me, glad for a variety of things. but oh, how i miss him so… it was never as if things were really horrible between us. there was a lot of growing up to do on both sides, but we did make each other happy and we did (and do) love each other. there is still a lot i cannot do for fear of turning into a weaping mess: no slow, sad music is allowed near me, i cannot journal for too long as emotions run deep and then i am deep in trouble…i cannot (or at least try not to) think about him before i go to bed. there are incredible ebbs and flows. yesterday was awful, today i feel so much better and who knows what tomorrow will bring. i am just trying to be patient and kind with myself and do what makes me feel good which requires me to be gentle and less judgmental of me and of others. ah, life…what a picnic.

swimming through it

today I wish my life was so extraordinary that people actually wanted to read my blogs and see the fabulous things that I was doing! instead…I have two blog followers and am content with that. I think consistency is really key at this juncture. since so much else is moving and changing form, I need to offer myself a consistent self, a self that is healthy, makes no mistakes and embraces life…much like I am right now! I kid. One that is less judgmental and to take things as they are, needing not to change all there is. I felt I had to change so much the last year. I wanted to change brad to make him better. sometimes, many times, I feel I really did help Brad become a different person. he helped me, too, he just was much more subtle about it, never forcing, typically encouraging. sometimes I feel like I am about to embark on this magical journey with a gold path. I think I will look back at my time in NY and miss Brad miserably, but be joyful I am away from so much. I will take those twinkles in my past and place it where I have placed all the other wonderful gems that are composed in the form of my life. Leaving means so much in so many ways; I no longer have to pretend that I care about philanthropy and fundraising!! That fills my face with a wide grin of relief and happiness. I’ll be realistic and say leaving love is maybe the hardest, saddest experience I have ever gone through thus far, but through it all, I see an open widow and I am swimming through it.

breakup nonesense

there is a tense staleness in the air as i pack my boxes and pretend things are okay…but they are. i found a fab little house in Mansfield center that a big part of me feels Brad and i were suppose to live in, but since we aren’t, I will. cozy two-floor, all hard wood, close to campus, I am happy…and leave NY a week from today which is daunting to say the least. I feel there are suppose to be people and places I say goodbye to, but sometimes goodbye is far too hard. instead brad and I make our own memories daily in an attempt to forget the past. I do love my new place, but I know what I am leaving is not easily replaceable, if it ever is. I do not want to pretend that what I have may be something I cannot repeat.